The Village Computer Club

The Odes

For some time, Marion has been reminding us of upcoming meetings and cajoling us to come along. The messages usually incorporate an ode so here's a collection of them

10/10/2006	On Tuesday the 10th of October, You've a date with the Village CC. We want you - clean shave and sober To throng to the meeting to see - Colleagues in need of tuition Comrades just wanting to chat Members whose plans fail to come to fruition And some who don't know where they're at!!
28/2/2007	The Village Computeers Some talk of ailing broadband And some of system freeze, Of Microsoft malfunction and, Problems such as these. But if you seek solutions, Then nothing can compare To the VCC this evening, You really should be there!
24/4/2007	We used to have our gramophones We wound them round and round And everytime we played them They made a cheerful sound. Then they invented Hi Fi, It made a better noise And the tweeters and the woofers Provided 'toys for boys'. Our music came on vinyl With a large or smaller hole. It blasted out through speakers, Which lined up wall to wall! Now MP3s and Ipods Are the order of the day With multi tracks on mini disks Which even phones can play! But some of us still hanker For sounds of yesteryear, And tucked away in cupboards Are our records - and the gear We'll need play them one more time Linked up to our PCs Removing hiss and crackle To burn on new CDs If this is your ambition Be sure to come tonight When Jim will tell you what to do AND how to get it right!
14/8/2007	The Dow Jones may be dropping, As the 'Footsie' follows suit. The Nikkei falls by 5% The Hang Seng's down the chute. Your stocks are losing value Your shares are on the slide, What can be done, you ask, to turn This grim financial tide? Not a lot's the answer, It might improve with time Unless today's Black Monday or Your mortgage is sub-prime! Just dwell on all the good news That's absolutely free, It's 19 weeks 'til Christmas And Tuesday's VCC.
11/9/2007	A 'Noble' young fellow I've heard When asked which PC he preferred Said I don't give a jot Provided it's got Access and Excel and Word And if it has Windows XP Then that's the computer for me For I'm not the Mister To hanker for Vista (or Longhorn) It's too OTT!!!!
25/9/2007	John'll fix it!! Midnight has struck, I'm out of time, My mind's a blank, I have no rhyme! What can I do To tempt you all To congregate At the Village Hall? Especially those With problem pics, Which John (with Photo Shop) Will fix!
14/11/2007	They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace!!!! We're due to meet at the Hall tonight The stage is set and the date is right There'll be no Am Dram to keep us away The hall is ours, we're ready to play Says Jim! I'll open the doors on the dot of half seven And welcome you in to our VCC haven My other commitments mean I cannot stay I'll put up the tables - you put them away. Says David! I've bought all the snacks and they'll make your mouth water Don't diet tonight, though you may feel you oughta There's tea and there's coffee to meet all your wishes As long as I don't have to wash all the dishes Says Sue! After my 'mess-up' we're now back to normal We've no theme tonight so it's just our 'informal' Remember this evening's your last chance to pay For OUR Christmas dinner - just four weeks away Says Marion!
8/1/2008	Now the New Year reviving old Desires The thoughtful soul to VCC retires, Where the benign hand of Jim upon the Mouse Enables, and in members hope aspires. So, as the clock struck, those who stood before The Village Hall said – “Open then the Door! You know how little time we have to stay, And for a fortnight may return no more”. Come fill the Cup, and in the coffee break We’ll buy our chance and hope a prize to take And talk a little while of thee and me And New Year Resolutions yet to make.
20/1/2008	Apologies to Robert Burns, "A Red Red Rose" A PC's like a red red rose That's newly sprung in June And software's like a melody That sweetly plays in tune As fair thou art my little mouse My printer, scanner too That I will love thee all to bits Until it's time for NEW And when it's time for models new I might gang aft agley So I will haste to Ian's talk And list to what he'll say He'll talk 'til seas gang dry my dear, And the rocks melt wi' the sun Of the present, past and future Technologies to come! And as the last slide fades away We'll sit in silence awed By thoughts of buying future kits No screens, no mouse, no board! So thank ye then, our Aldwick lad And fare-thee-well a while Next year we'll come again my lad Though twere ten thousand mile! Alas it is not always thus For flowers tend to fade And music can be ruined by A player - poorly played.
22/4/2008	Sudoku's done The crossword too You've read the news So what's to do? The TV's naff You've walked the dog And DIY Is too much slog The disco's shut The pub's run dry There's always sex ? - Don't even try! That only leaves One place to go One thing to do At last - you know! Tonight's the night!! Come one come all It's CC time At the village hall!
25/8/2008	Oranges and Lemons! London bells will ring - for our team from Beijing! Silver, bronze and gold - are the peals to be tolled! We've had a great 'Games' - call the bells of St James! Top Team GB - from St Katherine Cree! A wonderful show - rings St Mary le Bow! Thrills without number - chimes in St Columba! Record breaking times - ring the Westminster chimes! Give the team a big hand - from St Mary-le-Strand! The next show's by Boris - boom the bells of St Maurice! Will we do well - asks the Whitechapel bell? I do not know - peals the big bell of Bow! Life is a bitch - say the bells of Shoreditch!!!
9/9/2008	In olden days the earth was flat Philosophers were taught a Theory that the world was made Of earth, air, fire and water. Nowadays it's far from clear What we're made of - why we're here! Biologists quite rightly say We're tangled skeins of DNA. Now physicists are centre stage And particles are all the rage An eminent professor talks Of Photons, Kaons, Pions, Quarks. (Quarks are like a family They cover quite a range Dependant on their Hadron They're 'Up' or 'Down' or 'Strange' They also can be 'Charmed' If uniting weak with strong Rather like the Lepton group Neutrino and Muon! And don't omit the Baryons With plus-charged nuclei Lambda, Sigma, Omega Not forgetting Psi!) Where will it end We cannot know Will Wednesday's CERN Be full of woe? Is switching on the LHC A giant step for mankind? Revealing 10 dimensions We never thought to find. Or will it all be doom and gloom As many people fear Opening a big black hole In which we disappear? So why not spend your evening With the VCC tonight Before the planet snuffs it In a blinding flash of light?
23/9/2008	If you go down to your bank today, You may get a big surprise. You ask them for cash, but can they pay? It might depend on its size! Not of the cheque but the bank you use, And whether they've had a run On their funds - and whether they stand to lose Or if they're the bank who's won! Have they gone to the wall or have they merged Like HBOS and Lloyds TSB Or have they done what the Chancellor urged To hold tight and wait to see? Either way you may feel aggrieved You trusted your bank with your all, Now the financial world's perceived To be in a state of free fall! The market's a 'bear', no longer a 'bull' So hold very tight to your purse, For whether it's empty or whether it's full You know it can only get worse. At the end of the day, though you have no cash There's always the Village CC Your memberships paid so do nothing rash Just turn up tonight - for free!
24/11/2008	The computer swallowed Grandpa Yes, honestly it's true! He pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It ate him up completely, A thought to make one squirm. He might have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing could I find. I've 'Yahood', 'Googled', even 'Jeeved' My searches to refine. Replies from all were negative, Nothing found 'online.' So, if inside your 'Inbox,' A 'Grandpa' you should see, Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' him And send him back to me!
13/1/2009	In memory of Eartha Kitt Girls do it, guys do it, Nerds of every colour, shape and size do it, Let’s do it, let’s VCC! Ex-engineers, near to tears, do it By day and by night. Husbands and wives do it, It’s a pitiful sight! Young do it, old do it, The big, the bright, the boring and the bold do it, Let’s do it, let’s VCC ! Philatelists, really p***** do it When programmes won’t ‘gel’, Old main-frame buffs do it And they do it so well! Green-fingered growers, so they say, do it, Even those who live out Aldwick way do it Let’s do it, let’s VCC Ladies who lunch, once a month, do it (But it’s only for you) IBM men do it, And we’ve one of those too! To get a buzz, retired ‘fuzz’ do it. Even those who don’t know what it does, do it Let’s do it, let’s VCC!
27/1/2009	'Three Little Nerds' – apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, The Mikado We’re little nerds from the VCC Pert as a nerd will need to be Filled to the brim with nerdish glee Bright little nerds are we! All our needs are always met By Jim and Ian – never fret They’re never stumped – at least not yet Lucky little nerds are we! Nice little nerds who all unwary Go to the VC seminary With on-line woes that seldom vary Dim little nerds are we! One little nerd has a new PC Two little nerds just hate XP Three little nerds just come for the tea Good little nerds are we! Tomorrow is the night we congregate Starts 7.30 – don’t be late We don’t want to make our speaker wait Nice little nerds are we!
10/2/2009	My Valentine got a computer My love life has taken a hit. Nothing I say is important Unless it’s a byte or a bit. Since he has got his new laptop, (A far better model than mine) He say there is no point in talking Unless we can both go online. “But honey” I say “I still love you” Words will express how I feel What he does next is to send me a text Using MY phone card – the heel! His days are spent tapping the keyboard His evenings he spends with his mouse He finds that his router is very much cuter Than me – so he tells me – the louse! (I don’t think I’ll get any chocolates) His monitor means more you see I might get a rose, although I suppose It’s clipart, not flowers for me! I wonder if I could rewrite him? Or would all his faults reoccur What I’d like more is to go to restore And make things the way that they were! I tell him it’s me or his laptop He’ll surely prefer me to that It’s not in my cache; we’re going to crash," He says, as he turns me down flat!! My Valentine’s got a computer I’m told I could try to reroute him If that doesn’t scan for my Valentine man I guess I’ll just have to reboot him!
23/2/2009	GUESS WHO? (apologies to G and S) I am the very model of a modern IT specialist, With perfect equilibrium, no optimist or pessimist. I'm expert in computing from the modern to historical, From kilobytes to petabytes in order categorical. I'm very well acquainted too with technical development, My brain is like a laser, leaving little time for sentiment. Computing tests your nerdishness emotional and physical, One needs a mind to be a kind of split screen - quaint but quizzical I can write a thesis both in binary and cuneiform, Tell you if your problem is just random, deep or uniform, In short I have a goodly grasp of application strategy, Vienna/Windows 7 will be just an open book to me. I'm good at presentations on the future of technology, On software, hardware, broadband, big bands,aardvarks and astrology My memory's stupendous and I never have to make a list I am the very model of a modern IT specialist
25/5/2009	IF (apologies to Rudyard Kipling!) If you can keep your head when all about you Are learning of your 'claims' and blaming you If your constituents begin to doubt you When knowing that they've paid your mortgage too If you can face their wrath and come up grinning And say 'Of course you understand their views,- But you've been more sinned against than sinning' (Especially when on the TV news) If you can work the crowds, pretending virtue And say you'll never lose the common touch If public indignation cannot hurt you If all men count with you - but not too much If you can bear to hear the truth about you And still present an urbane, smiling face When erstwhile friends and current foes condemn you Your self-esteem will numb your fall from grace If you can fudge and not admit disaster If you can blames the rules and feel no shame If you can dodge the spotlight and then cast a Slur on colleagues so they take the blame If you can make a pile on your expenses And spend it a duck house or TV Then flip your second home - how soon one senses How well you fit the role on an MP!
9/6/2009	POOR DUD!! (Apologies to 'Poor Jud' - Oklahoma) Poor Gordon's doomed Poor Gordon Brown is doomed His allies in the House are close to tears His premiership went wrong And though not there for long He'd waited for his chance for years and years. At first it all went well He'd a message he could sell I'm stable and I'm able and I'm fair Your confidence to win I'll govern without spin And best of all I'm not like Tony Blair Poor Gordon's doomed Poor Gordon Brown is doomed It started with the crisis at the banks His answer was to say I'll make the nation pay With thirty years of unrelenting tax! Another scandal broke MP's became a joke As fatuous expenses came to light His team began to crack They resigned or got the sack But still he said he'd stay and fight the fight. Poor Gordon's doomed Poor Gordon Brown is doomed Jackie Smith has gone with Blears as well Election time came round Not just on home ground He had to fight in Euroland as well Gordon has been 'shopped' And the Labour vote has dropped Will Alan Sugar prove to be an ace? Now that he's been hired Will Gordon Brown be fired? (P'raps Mandelson will opt to take his place!)
11/01/2010	Song of the Weather by Flanders and Swann January brings the snow, Makes your feet and fingers glow. February's ice and sleet, Freeze the toes right off your feet. Welcome March, with wint'ry wind, Wouldst thou were not so unkind. April brings the sweet Spring showers, On and on for hours and hours. Farmers fear unkindly May, Frost by night and hail by day. June just rains and never stops, Thirty days and spoils the crops. In July the sun is hot, Is it shining? No, it's not! August, cold and dank and wet, Brings more rain than any yet. Bleak September's mist and mud, Is enough to chill the blood. Then October adds a gale, Wind and slush and rain and hail. Dark November brings the fog, Should not do it to a dog. Freezing wet December, then ...........Bloody January again!